12 Things for Monday

 (Friday, he apologized to the world.  Today, the world responds.  Hear what they had to say with today's list of the . . .) 

TOP 12 TIGER WOODS VOICEMAILS 

--It's Elin's lawyer;  nice try, now bend over.

--Tiger, it's Rachel;  hey, you were great last night.

 
--Sean Penn here . . . damn, dude, and I thought "I" could act!

--Tiger, it's Sarah Palin.  How did you get through a 14-minute speech with nothing written on your hand?!?

--Hey Tiger, it's your father.  I'm calling from the grave to say.  JAMIE GRUBBS???  REALLY???  I raised you better than that boy.

 
--Hey Tiger, it's America.  Thanks for breaking up the monotony of the Winter Olympics.

 
--It's your sex rehab counselor.  Hurry back.  I'm ready for another quickie in the broom closet.

--This is Alec Baldwin.  You are gross, and disgusting and should be ashamed of yourself.  Wait . . . this is my daughter's phone, isn't it?

 
--John Edwards, here.  Nice apology.  Can you write me one?

 
--Hey, it's John Mayer.  In order to talk to you, do I only have to use one-fourth of my "N-word" pass???

 
--It's John Daly.  I'm out of tequila.  What the hell am I supposed to put on my Cheerios?

 
--It's "Boner" from "Growing Pains" . . . I've got a great hiding place if you want to get away!